Regret Free Life
“I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
~ John 10:10
Betty Friedan in her 1963 best-selling book, The Feminine Mystique, talks about the “forfeited self” of millions of American women’s frustrations with their limited cultural gender roles that women were resigned to adapt. I am a believer that humans are created for love and freedom. It is a spiritual journey of becoming fully ourselves and manifesting it.
Edward Albee, a famous late American playwright, in his last interview said that all his “plays are correctives.” He explained himself as a kind of herald, perhaps a modern Cassandra warning of the “unlived life.”
“All of my plays are about people missing the boat, closing down too young, coming to
the end of their lives with regret at things not done, as opposed to things done. When
we look back in life, it’s not so much what we have done but what we didn’t do when we had the chance because either we were cowards or preferred to play it safe. I find most people spend too much time living as if they’re never going to die.”
In 2018, the Psychologist Tom Gilovich from Cornell University pioneered research on Regrets, and the study was published as “The Ideal Road Not Taken”. It was about the haunting regret of failing to live our ideal selves. To his surprise, he found people are haunted more by regrets about failing to fulfill their hopes, goals and aspirations than by regrets about failing to fulfill their duties, obligations and responsibilities.
There are two types of regrets: regrets due to actions and regrets due to inactions. Our most enduring regrets are the ones that stem from our failure to take actions because I wanted to play safe and settle for a small “self” life. The 13 century German theologian and mystic, Meister Eckhart wrote, “God is delighted to watch your soul enlarge.” The 20th century Swiss psychologist, Carl Jung said, “We all wear shoes size too small.” We are walking around with shoes that are too small for us and they hurt. And God tells us, “Take ‘em off.” The 15th century Spanish mystic, St. Ignatius of Loyola wrote, “The root of human discontent and dis-ease is from being out of an alignment with God’s deepest desire for your life.”
If we look at the long-term view, it’s the regrets due to inactions that haunts us much more than any actions we’ve taken. It’s often the road that I did not take, for whatever reason, I lacked the courage to live the existentially authentic life. Forsaken dreams. Romantic interests not pursued. Securing a job near home rather than an adventurous position overseas. You really don’t want to be in your 60s, 70s, 80s, and realize you missed the boat.
The author Bronnie Ware published her study in 2011, “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”. She said, “All of our regrets come from a lack of courage.” Bronnie Ware worked for several years as a caregiver for people in the dying process. Listening deeply to patients’ deathbed reflections, she saw 5 emerging themes. She says, “These top five regrets confront us where we hide, both from ourselves and from other people. Regret-free living takes courage. It is as simple and difficult as that.”
Here are the top five regrets of the dying, according to Bronnie Ware:
I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I wish that I had let myself be happier
The 20th century French-Cuban American writer, Anaïs Nin, wrote, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Regret-free living is the work of the heart and soul that wants to die in full bloom. As Les Brown advised, “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”
Everything is Waiting for You by David Whyte
Put down the weight of your aloneness
and ease into the conversation.
The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink,
the cooking pots have left their arrogant aloofness
and seen the good in you at last.
All the birds and creatures of the world
are unutterably themselves.
Everything, everything, is waiting for you.
Yours in Christ,
John
