Practicing Courageous Love
The word “courage” comes from the Latin “cor”, which means heart. Vibrant, truth-filled intimate relationships take courage. And a whole lot of it! What I do know is that when you suppress truth in relationship, it comes out as drama. It takes courage to speak up about something we need when we aren’t sure how our request will be received… courage to admit our mistakes and apologize in a genuine way… courage to share the fullness of our hearts with someone else. Carol Gilligan, an American feminist, ethicist, and psychologist, wrote, “Democracy is like love. It only works when everyone has a voice.”
Do you have a voice in your relationships? Or do you sometimes hold back from saying what you really feel? The reason why that is important is that when you withhold from speaking your truth to your partner the consequence is not good for the relationship. Here is a rule of thumb: When you suppress your truth, it comes out as drama. What I learned over the years is that when you suppress your truth in a relationship, it creates a distance, disconnection, and resentment. For our relationships to remain authentic, vibrant and alive, we need to “Speak the truth in love” as St. Paul instructed. (Ephesians 4:15)
Sir Walter Scott, 19th century Scottish author of novels and plays, famously wrote:
Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.
Jesus taught “Let your Yes be Yes and No be No; anything more than this comes from the evil one.” (Matthew 5:35)
I am a partitional of Nonviolent Communication (abbreviated NVC, also called compassionate communication) is an approach to communication based on principles of nonviolence developed by late Marshall Rosenberg. One of the founding principles of Nonviolent Communication is when people don’t get their needs met, it leads to violence: violence to oneself (festering resentments that can leads to psychosomatic symptoms and even disorder) and violence to others (often in the hidden form of passive-aggressive behaviors or overt aggression). Other people are not fortunetellers, nor endowed with telepathic power to read your mind. This will require people learning how to practice healthy boundary and communicate their needs honestly. There is a saying in NVC, “If you can’t say ‘No,’ I can’t trust your ‘Yes’.”
Consequently, the greatest contribution an individual can make in a relationship or in a community is taking responsibility for one’s needs. If everyone takes responsibility for meeting one’s needs, it increases the feeling of trust and safety in relationships and the community.
Here is my 9 lists of freedoms to practice that I came up with:
The Nine Freedoms to Live By
1. You have the freedom to be yourself.
2. You have the freedom to be human and make mistakes.
3. You have the freedom to laugh (ever loudly at yourself and at human condition).
4. You have the freedom to ask for what you need.
5. You have the freedom to say “No”.
6. You have the freedom to think freely.
7. You have the freedom to speak your truth and truth to power.
8. You have the freedom to be great and powerful.
9. You have the freedom to be happy.
May you know such courageous love that keeps relationship vibrant, healthy, authentic, and trustworthy. And it’s the only relationship that’s worth keeping.
John
